My sisters, When it’s 90 degrees out and your tetas are sweating like crazy, Bloodfeastin’ may require a treat that is cool, sweet and easy. Just like ME. Today, we are going to whip up a simple little pineapple shake to enjoy in this horny hot weather. Speaking of horny, have you ever made your own whipped cream? As much as I love a tall, cold can of Reddi-Wip (especially because I automatically think of this Oscar-winning scene from Varsity Blues), nothing compares to freshly…
My dearest Tampon Princesses, I feel compelled to tell you a tale from my past, which involves a sordid history with the vegetable known as corn. It all began in high school at a carnival booth where my drill team had to sell corn to fairgoers in order to raise money. A friend and I were working the booth alone and thought it was HILARIOUS that we had to sell these phallic cobs. Ahh, such simple, stupid humor back then. Anyway, somehow…
Welcome to TheBloodfeast.com, the reincarnation of my Hairpin period-foods column in which sinful, cheesy carbs and the like shall be exalted and enjoyed in celebration of our monthly bloodshed. Bloodfeast was first born on The Hairpin in 2014, featuring recipes such as heart-shaped pizza pockets called “Tenderonis,” the frighteningly delicious “Scary White People Tacos,” as well as my version of a stacked, “midnight cartoon sandwich” which I kindly dubbed, “The Ragwood.” As you might guess, these dishes are not for the faint…
Greetings my menses maidens! When I think of a prisoner’s last meal request, I’ve often wondered if mine would be some sort of carb within a carb, like a turducken, but with starches. What sort of dish would meet those requirements? Several years ago, before diabetes and a Dancing With the Stars gig, Queen of Butter, Paula Deen, managed to achieve a most impressive feat: creating one glorious lasagna sandwich. She basically threw a giant piece of lasagna inside of…
In this mortal life, many of us aspire to reach a smorgasbord of dreams and goals. Year after year I think about all of the wondrous things I aim to accomplish, such as having sex in a DeLorean and riding a Segway in Lucite stripper heels. While I have yet to complete these specific endeavors, there is one goal that I have indeed reached, all thanks to you, my coven of blood-gushing goddesses. Many menstrual periods ago, I invented a…
Welcome, welcome, my menstruating wizardesses. A few things first. I’ve heard some news that Pantone’s most recent choice for “Color of the Year,” marsala, resembles period blood. If that’s the case, I’m hoping this trend continues in the future and we get “Maxi Pad White” and “Tampax Box Blue.” Aside from that, I’ve been jotting down all of my fantasy tangibles on my Chrismukkah wishlist. I’d like one of those all-over print pizza onesies, but one made out of the…
Greetings, my sweet Menses Maidens. My horngriness usually calls for snacks of the salt and the savory varieties, but today I have put on my baking mask (a.k.a. a hockey mask with a printout of Martha Stewart Scotch-taped to it) to make you a sweet ‘lil dessert. It’s rare for the sugar demon to possess me, but when it does, I usually want cake. Fuck your pastries, sashay away from your pies, I don’t care if it’s nobody’s birthday — just GIMME…