My dearest Tampon Princesses,
I feel compelled to tell you a tale from my past, which involves a sordid history with the vegetable known as corn.
It all began in high school at a carnival booth where my drill team had to sell corn to fairgoers in order to raise money. A friend and I were working the booth alone and thought it was HILARIOUS that we had to sell these phallic cobs. Ahh, such simple, stupid humor back then. Anyway, somehow that innocent scenario progressed into a lifelong COBSESSION and maize became ~mi cosa~.
During the Myspace days, my all-time favorite internet friend, Klaus, began photoshopping me into weird corn pictures (this was before memes had a name, people). One time, we even launched a website called cornographer.com to store all of our corn-themed art.
At some point, I ended up purchasing a corn on the cob costume from eBay. Friends would see something in the shape of a corn and bring it to me. (It still happens today.) I basically own an extensive corn-themed collection that was largely supplied by other people.
Of course, actual edible corn was also a favorite, especially when it came to Mexican street corn. I could NEVA resist the sweet lure of Corn Man.
Whenever I made it to the garment district, I HAD to get myself a delicious treat from Corn Man. This recipe is the Bloodfeast interpretation of this beloved snack, but we’re throwing caution to the wind and going OFF THE COB. Shall we proceed?
- 4 corn on the cob
- 4 slices bacon
- 1/2 avocado
- 4 tablespoons Mexican crema
- 1/2 cup sour cream (optional)
- 1/2 cup queso fresco
- 1 bunch cilantro
- 1/2 teaspoon paprika
- 1/2 teaspoon salt, or to taste
- 1 dash hot sauce (Tapatio or Valentina)
- 1 lime
- 1/2 teaspoon Tajin
- 4 tablespoons unsalted butter
- Butter up corn then roast in oven at 400 for 30 minutes, flipping halfway and adding more butter.
- At the same time, cook the bacon in the oven for 15-20 minutes, flipping it once in between.
- While the corn and bacon is cooking, mash half an avocado and mix with sour cream or Mexican crema. Add a dash of salt and a dash of paprika.
- Once corn is done, cut off the kernels by placing a small bowl upside down inside of a larger bowl. Prop up that sexy cob on the middle of the smaller bowl and carefully slice off kernels. They will neatly fall into the larger bowl and you won’t have to worry about finding a rogue kernel stuck to the bottom of your sock later.
- Now it’s time to layer, babys. Start with corn on the bottom, a dash of hot sauce next, then crema, queso, bacon, avocado crema and Tajin!
- Finally, squeeze lime all over dat shit and DIG IN.