Carbs Snacks


In this mortal life, many of us aspire to reach a smorgasbord of dreams and goals. Year after year I think about all of the wondrous things I aim to accomplish, such as having sex in a DeLorean and riding a Segway in Lucite stripper heels.

While I have yet to complete these specific endeavors, there is one goal that I have indeed reached, all thanks to you, my coven of blood-gushing goddesses.

Many menstrual periods ago, I invented a very special snack in my mind. It was inspired by well-loved microwaveable junk food, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, along with the 1988 hit song “Roni” by one Bobby Brown. This tune is one of my favorite romantic jams, right next to Zapp and Roger’s “I Want to Be Your Man” and Ginuwine’s “In Those Jeans.” It also contains a lyrical to-do list I try to adhere to every single day:

Be the kind of girl that stands out in a crowd
Send lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
Make toughest homeboy fall deep in love

For so long, I have wanted to make heart-shaped pizza rolls and call them “Tenderonis.” And here we are. ::exhales::


(Originally posted on The Hairpin.)

Serves 4
Cook Time
45 min
Cook Time
45 min
  1. Heart-shaped cookie cutter
  2. 1 tbsp olive oil
  3. 1 tbsp garlic, finely chopped
  4. 1/4 cup green bell pepper, diced fine
  5. 3 tbsp onions, diced fine
  6. 2/3 cup of marinara sauce
  7. 1/3 cup of Mozzarella cheese, shredded
  8. 1 1/2 tbsp of Parmesan cheese
  9. 16 wonton wrappers
  10. 16 slices of pepperoni, each slice chopped in quarters
  11. Egg wash (mixture made of one egg and two tablespoons of milk)
  1. First, create a Spotify playlist that plays nothing but “Roni,” over and over about 55 times.
  2. In a skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat, adding your garlic, green pepper and onion. Cook until soft. Remove from heat, and stir in the marinara sauce.
  3. For preparation of rolls: Using your heart-shaped cutter, cut the wonton wrapper into adorable heart shapes. Fill in the middle of the heart with a teaspoon of the sauce mixture, 1 slice of chopped pepperoni, a sprinkle of mozzarella cheese and parmesan. Be careful to avoid the edges with the filling. You’ll want to leave at least 1/4 inch of dough around the edge to be brushed with egg wash for sealing.
  4. Place rolls on oiled baking sheet about 1" apart. Brush or spray rolls lightly with olive oil and bake in a preheated 375' oven for 12–15 minutes, or until rolls are golden and crispy.
  5. Let cool for 5–10 minutes before serving this special kind of love that makes you feel good inside.

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1 Comment

  • Reply
    Biggie Smalls Breakfast – BloodFeast
    October 25, 2017 at 12:19 am

    […] at my work, then I got married to my Canadian boo (whose vows to me were lyrics from my fave tune “Tenderoni,” btw), and other wild, wild, wild life tings. But I’ve been thinking bout you, your appetites, and […]

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