Greetings my menses maidens! When I think of a prisoner’s last meal request, I’ve often wondered if mine would be some sort of carb within a carb, like a turducken, but with starches. What sort of dish would meet those requirements? Several years ago, before diabetes and a Dancing With the Stars gig, Queen of Butter, Paula Deen, managed to achieve a most impressive feat: creating one glorious lasagna sandwich. She basically threw a giant piece of lasagna inside of…
In this mortal life, many of us aspire to reach a smorgasbord of dreams and goals. Year after year I think about all of the wondrous things I aim to accomplish, such as having sex in a DeLorean and riding a Segway in Lucite stripper heels. While I have yet to complete these specific endeavors, there is one goal that I have indeed reached, all thanks to you, my coven of blood-gushing goddesses. Many menstrual periods ago, I invented a…
Welcome, welcome, my menstruating wizardesses. A few things first. I’ve heard some news that Pantone’s most recent choice for “Color of the Year,” marsala, resembles period blood. If that’s the case, I’m hoping this trend continues in the future and we get “Maxi Pad White” and “Tampax Box Blue.” Aside from that, I’ve been jotting down all of my fantasy tangibles on my Chrismukkah wishlist. I’d like one of those all-over print pizza onesies, but one made out of the…
Greetings, my sweet Menses Maidens. My horngriness usually calls for snacks of the salt and the savory varieties, but today I have put on my baking mask (a.k.a. a hockey mask with a printout of Martha Stewart Scotch-taped to it) to make you a sweet ‘lil dessert. It’s rare for the sugar demon to possess me, but when it does, I usually want cake. Fuck your pastries, sashay away from your pies, I don’t care if it’s nobody’s birthday — just GIMME…
Gather ‘round, my Bleeding Beauties. For the first time here on Bloodfeast, we’re making a dessert! Yes, this B has finally made you something SWEET. I know you’re probably like, “Boo, you whore. Isn’t eating sweets while you’re on your rag a total stereotype for a reason? BECAUSE IT’S TRUE? How dare you make us wait this long.” My apologies; I am so selfish. I’ve got SUCH a salt tooth. I swear on my Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) DVD…
Let’s raise our Diva Cups for a toast. This is a momentous occasion: we are now all on same menstrual cycle. At least that’s what I’m happily assuming. Look at us, braiding each other’s hair, holding hands, surfborting together on ye olde crimson wave. Someone please pass the Midol. I’m wearing white culottes because I like to live dangerously. My dearest Sync Sisters, let’s celebrate this period party with a Bloodfeast snack we can all share! A couple of years…
Greetings, my Blood-shedding Sisters of the Red Moon. Today we are going to make a very special macaroni and cheese dish that will magically get rid of your menstrual cramps. Just kidding! It won’t get rid of them, but it might make you feel better and a ‘lil carb cozy while watching some Lifetime Original Movies—or LOMs, as I like to call them. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? A mac and cheese connoisseur like yours truly has no doubt…
Once I got stoned alone and made the mistake of putting on Alejandro Jodorowsky’s surrealist acid trip of a film, Holy Mountain. I had watched it a million times before and didn’t think it would be a big deal. If I had some sort of spiritual experience watching it while on the influence of cannabis, that sounded fine! Sadly, that was not the case. When I saw the scene where a perverted old man pops out his fake eyeball and…
Happy Horrors, my sisterwitches of The Mystical Menorrhea! How’s everyone’s ovaries doing? Me and mine are preparing for All Hallow’s Eve celebrations. I’m thinking about finally dressing up in the costume I’ve wanted to since the late 1990s–a box of tampons, like Kelly Macdonald’s character did in the movieSplendor–but alas, that might be too obvious. Still, I just want to pay Halloween homage to our cherished Female Curse! Which brings me to this month’s Goddess feast, which is a quick…
Happy Period Day, everyone! Time to roll out the fanfare of cheesy carbs and whatever gluttonous pleasures you lovingly reward yourself with during your moment of bloodspill. Whenever it is my own goddess moon time of the month, I crave A BIG ASS BURGER. I like to call this ritual, “Blood in, Blood Out.” I’ll go to In-N-Out for some animal style or hit up a greasy spoon diner, it doesn’t matter. Red meat and melty cheese dance in my…